I Feel Lousy

I feel lousy now. And I hate it that I am feeling lousy in the evening, because this means another restless night. It would be a night when my mind would do the endless, restless, mindless dialogs, where I would be arguing with myself that I am fine, and yet, I know I am not.

That the fact my ex went for his first sauna, among naked guys, with him being naked too, was supposed to mean nothing to me, even though he was not willing to be naked with me. That his willingness to go out and join other gay guys out there was okay, even though he was not like that when he was with me.

That I am not jealous.

That I am not frustrated.

That I am not upset.

That I am not confused.

That I don't feel low in self-esteem.

A Kiss Is Just A Kiss

Do friends kiss? Do ex just kiss?

So, if my ex and I shared a kiss early this morning, as early as 7.10am, was that kiss just a kiss? Or it means more??? : )

The Prince Is Married

So, I had a wonderful time at Nando's, eating my meal with my handsome prince - the one who swept me off my feet and make me wanna fall in love. So, I actually sat in the cinema with the handsome one, be dazzled in the passion of happiness, to breathe the air of the guy next to me, watching a movie about a rat who wants to be a chef, like me - a gay who wants to be living happily with a straight boy.

And of course, after the movie, I asked. And he answered.

The prince charming has a princess harming. : (

Bummer.

Stalker

If a stalker is cute, he is welcomed. Okay.. he may be psycho. But hey, he's cute. Somewhere along the line, the cuteness of a stalker, and I mean, a male stalker, is surely to rub off the shock and rudeness of the stalking. If he is adorable, cute, charming, gorgeous, good built and may I say cute again, he may as well as making the stalking an art. So, for a cute stalker, it is an

AWWWWW.......

But if the stalker is large, big tummy, bald, balding, ugly, or ugly, or ugly, that stalker is an

EWWWWWWW!

I have an ewwwwwwww. After several messages, I got my guts to contact him and to tell him that I am not interested. Fr'dae. Instead of a place for me to find my one true love, I become a old man, ugly man, fat man magnet. They keep writing me, and sending me hearts.

Knowing my luck, which I would say comes down to my Ted-ness, some people out there might think I might as well accept one of them as a lover. I need a cute stalker, and I need one quick!

You Are My Obsession

Okay. This is a broken record. Basically. I. Cannot. Stop. Thinking. Of. Him. So, when he did not show up today, I feel hopeless. I know I am hooked on him when I have to check on him by hand phone. I know I am obsessed when I have to repeat my call. I know I am doomed when I keep thinking of why he did not pick up the phone.

This sucks.

If I Shout, Would He Hear Me?

It has been 9 days since I first met him. And I could not get him out of my head. There was this bickering in my head hours ago, whether I should text him or not. And then, eventually I did find a good excuse to. And I was satisfied.

Well, I could be more satisfied if I did get a reply.

I know this is something that I would probably look back one day and laugh at how silly I have been. Well, I had better be laughing.

He Knows, But Does He Know?

Told him today that the reason for all the weird act for the past few secretive encounters were that because I had been ridiculed to bad rumors, including one that that involved me and cute guys. And to my delight, he did not react badly. Not that he reacted positively. And then, we continued talking and one thing led to another, he asked my reason for being a Buddhist. Told him about the heartbreak, and he asked me...

'So, what was the drama about?'

I said - You know, heartbreak.

He said.. 'Yeah..'

I said - Relationship.

And then he said, 'I know. Relationship. With a girl... Or a guy?'

Woh!



I told him that I was not comfortable to tell him yet. And then, minutes later, he told me that the fact I did not deny it, it was too obvious. I was like.. why didn't I realize that? But.. it was too late.

So now, he probably had already known. He probably had already known that I am gay.

But does he know that this gay have a thing for him?

Low, High, Low, High

Well, I saw him again. And he made me smiled again. He apologized. Phone was out of credit. Sorry that I could not sleep. And he wanted to give me a treat. And you know what? I am high again! ;p

The Shit Piles

Well, I deserved it, didn't I? Hardly could sleep properly this morning. A sleep at 2 am ended with me waking up at 3.30am. And then, when I could sleep again at 4.30am, I woke up at 8am. So, all in all, I did not have a good sleep. He did not take my calls. Has he found out? Perhaps it was pretty stupid of me to think that even without getting anything sexual from him, he would be glad to have the free lessons from me. Nope. Who would want to be near the gay man? He should at least have the decency to tell me if he was no longer interested.

Lusts Know No Boundaries

I got back from work at 6.10pm. Ate my dinner and crashed. What was unusual was that I would be at home normally by 5pm. But I did not. I had to let the heart run my decisions, and stayed to teach rid@to, all because I wanted to. So, instead of rushing back at 4.30pm, I stayed until 6pm. In what supposed to be a secluded room, others happened to walk past and saw that I did make time to dedicate extra hours to this one cute guy.

There - my cover was blown.

Only that this was the thing I wanted to be blown. : (

Oooh! Romantic!

Which gay-themed movie should you watch?

You should watch Trick!
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Sleeping With Fabulous Straight Guy

Which guy are you destined to have sex with?

Jude Law: you like them romantic and British with beauiful green eyes.
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I Know I Am In Deep Shit When...

One -
I call a girl bitch in a church, and I have, unfortunately, the full attention of the churchgoers at the time.

Two -
I am caught by the father of the naked guy I am peeping on.

Three -
The pilot asks if there is any mechanic on the plane through the announcement.

Four -
I am cornered by my credit card bills demanding total minimum payments which are triple of what my cash and savings in my banks summed up to be.

Five -
I cannot stop thinking of the new cute guy I just met last Wednesday. I cannot stop thinking of him. I cannot stop thinking of his face. I cannot stop thinking of his eyes. I cannot stop thinking of his hair. I cannot stop thinking of his arms. I cannot stop thinking of his body in his tight shirt. I cannot stop myself from checking his photos online every day. I cannot resist to call him, and make up excuses for the call. I cannot stop attempting to make excuses to see him, no matter how busy I'll be with my work. I cannot help but to run his photos on my computer again and again. I cannot help but to feel good when I hear his voice. I cannot help but to go crazy when I see his face. I cannot help but to google his name upon knowing him. I cannot help but to know his contact numbers and his emails as soon as I know him.

I am really in deep shit.

My Sekret

It began one dark and lonely night...

Well, it did began one lonely night, but it was nothing dark, and neither was the life as gloomy as it had sounded, except that the desperation and loneliness did seem outshine many other aspects of my life.. come to think of it.. think they still do. : (

Anyway, from that despair, came my first story that I penned. Instead of browsing and reading other people's story, I had decided to write my own. And so, I did. Well, years down the road, I still pick up my pen.. I mean, keyboard, and type new stories. And sometimes, I really wonder if my skill lies in the ability to imagine, and to express. Well, excuse the grammar, but I did write stories that people like to read, and demands more...

But one of the most flattering moment should be today, where I have readers debating on the emotions I have written based on the reaction of the boys in my story. I mean, they really dig this, and they were questioning and answering one another. Like wow...

I'm mixed about Justin finally getting to fuck Ryan. I was looking forward to finally seeing that happen, but I feel like there was a little too much anger in that scene. Now this has the potential to get real ugly, when it didn't have to. - from Mike

I am not sure, I was kind of surprised, but not that much. I found it interesting that Ryan finally had a vulnerable moment, which his character seems to keep hidden. I think Justin's moment of dominance is an interesting turn for it allows Ryan to appear more human and caring then just total ruler. Ethan and Justin have been portrayed as passionate and caring people thus far, it adds some new flavor into the mix. Could this be the turn of Ryan into something more than just tough school jock? - Chris

How can there not be anger when Ryan betrayed Justin in the shower scene. Justin's anger built to a monumental level. Ryan even realizes it.by not fighting his rape.. He knows he deserves the punishment. As to the second time its all Ryan's fault. His stupid pride! The fear of Ethan not finding out. Don't forget there is also the pleasure factor. He probably likes it! Finally there is the irony of Justin giving his ass to Ethan thinking Ryan would take his ass.! - Gus

I am really flattered. Ahem. : D

I Hate Mondays

And it is not even Monday yet. You know, Monday hating starts on Sunday evening. It is good enough to get one upset and spoils the Sunday evenings. Sigh...

Not that the greatest event of the day, which was a call from superhot, superyummy, superhunk, super well-u-get-what-I-mean Dennis helped to calm the anxiety. Yeah, talking to him was good enough to get one excited. ;p

Nor the fact that a gift from HK from my ex helped. But that was so sweet of him.

And then, I realized that I had got myself into a plan to go to Singapore with my mom. And that had to be the best news, coz it meant that I will have a few hours of my mom entirely to myself. Yeah!

Push The Button

I need to stop living on the plastic card. The way I had spent, I would have made the gay guys in Queer Eyes proud. I would have made the celebrities proud. I bought HP7. Out came the credit card. I bought Motorola phone for my godson. Out came the credit card. I bought three more books from Borders, costing a hard RM110. Out came the credit card. I went shopping at Giant. Out came the credit card. I went for lunch. I bought Canon Photo Papers, which I am not sure if I would be using them or not. Okay - that was not on credit card, but still!

Credit card is evil! Right now, in my personal life, this credit card is worse than Lindsay Lohan.

Who am I kidding? I'll stop spending for a few weeks, and then, I'll be using it again.

Too Many Men, Too Little Time

As desired, I had come up with my own list. Well, not Top 100, but hey, at least I have my own list. : ) Now, after hours of labor, it's time to take shower.

100 Sexiest Men? Not! Well, Not Some, Then.

After the poll, which I was not aware of, AfterElton came out with the results of the Hot 100 Guys. The BIG news is that Tom Cruise is not in the list. Are gays now Cruise-phobic? Looking at the list, I am questioning the over-rated tastes of the gays who had voted. Or the IQ, whichever one that is higher.

1. Jake Gyllenhaal
Really banked on the Brokeback Mountain magic. Heath gets the best actor nominations, and Jake gets the hottie award. The effect is not wearing off yet, after all these months. Would I vote for him? If it is between him and Heath. Period. Deserves not to be in the Top 10. Top 50, maybe.
2. Chris Evans
Definitely a Top 10. Perhaps my personal No.1. You can be under my umbrella, Chris. ella-ella eh eh eh. 3. Daniel Craig
Hot body. Enough to be in the list? Should drop lower.
4. Gale Harold
I love him in QAF. Still, hot enough to be in the top 10? Lower.
5. Taye Diggs
We need a black? Not to be offensive, but is he really hotter than others in the list? I would vote for him, but not into the Top 10. Lower. 6. Ryan Reynolds
Yummy. Just stay right there.
7. Hugh Jackman
Hmmm... Anything for his animal wolffy lust.
8. T.R. Knight
Serious? This is a joke. Position 101 is more likely.
9. Ryan Phillipe
I love ex Mr Reeves. A Top 30 perhaps. Not a Top 10.
10. John Barrowman
Who? That was the first question in mind. Thank goodness for google, or more specifically - google image browser, which I know I will be using for the rest of the 'who?' list. So, this is the new hot leader in Dr. Who. Yup, a hottie. But.. lower.

11. Christian Bale
11? I hope that's referring to his size. Think he is alright at 11.
12. Brad Pitt
Higher. Definitely. Mr Angelina Jolie deserves my undying attention.
13. Christopher Meloni
Lower. So what he thrilled gays in Oz? Hot but not that hot.
14. Robert Gant
Love him in QAF, but at 14? Lower.
15. Patrick Wilson
An angel. Hunkie angel, for sure. Higher.
16. Mario Lopez
Lower. This guy clicks nothing on me.
17. Gael Garcia Bernal
Love him, but let's see him in Top 40, instead of Top 20. Time to undress again. Y Tu Mama Tambien effect is wearing off.
18. Ian Somerhalder
Higher. Nothing speaks evil passionate hot sex in a sexier tone than his eyes.
19. Justin Timberlake
First solo album - hot. Second solo album - fat. Yeah. That's what I had said. He's fat. Lower.
20. Heath Ledger
Aww.. Brokeback Mountain effect again. Lower.
21. Paul Rudd
Seriously? Lower. Top 90, maybe.
22. Jonathan Rhys Meyers
Hmm. Top 50 for non gay plots in his new mini series. Top 30 for his 'ahem' size.
23. Channing Tatum
Hot. Up to Top 20. Wait! He's dating now? With a gurl? Stay here then.
24. Ryan Gosling
Love him. Stay.
25. Jamie Bamber
Who? Battlestar Galatica guy. Lower.
26. Wentworth Miller
Fine body. Up. Tattoos? Lower. Gross.
27. Tom Welling
Stay.
28. Shemar Moore
Face. Down. Body. Up.
29. Eddie Cibrian
Stay.
30. David Boreanaz
Lower. Really, really lower.
31. Chad Allen
Oh my hotness. Up!!
32. Anderson Cooper
WTF? Down.
33. Josh Duhamel
33? What's wrong with the voters? Up to the Top 20.
34. Randy Harrison
I rather have Charlie Hunnam here. Stay.
35. Jensen Ackles
Hmmmm... Superb! Love him. Should be in Top 30.
36. Cheyenne Jackson
Down.
37. Jared Padalecki
He should be higher than Jensen. Jared is a Top. Unless he bottoms for Jensen??? This does not count. Jensen and Jared should be voted as one. Top 30. 38. Matthew McConaughey
Top 30. For his body.
39. David Beckham
Top 35. Bad taste in wife.
40. Jason Statham
Hmmm... Body-wise, Top 30.
41. Milo Ventimiglia
Hmmm... Cutie. Top 35.
42. Eric Mabius
Oooh... I love him. I wanna, I wanna, I wanna.
43. Jensen Atwood
Ew. Nope. Down.
44. Eric Bana
Ooh. Higher. Top 30, at least.
45. Paul Walker
Oooh. Higher.
46. Matthew Fox
Don't mind if he is lost.
47. Josh Holloway
Really, get lost.
48. Tyson Beckford
Top 20, definitely!
49. Zachary Quinto
Ok. Just stay here.
50. Orlando Bloom
What? Higher. Top 30, at least.
51. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Top 90, at least.
52. Neil Patrick Harris
What is he doing in this list?
53. Ben McKenzie
Higher than Adam Brody? Justice needed here!
54. Gerard Butler
Leading a pack of 300 men, and nothing homo from that? Lower.
55. Clive Owen
Okay, this is already low enough. Just stay.
56. Eric Dane
57. Jeremy Piven
58. Andy Roddick
59. Jason Behr
60. J.P. Calderon
61. Johnny Depp
Thank goodness he is here. Just stay here.
62. Keanu Reeves
63. Matthew Rhys
64. Christopher Gorham
65. LL Cool J.
66. Adam Levine
67. Sendhil Ramamurthy
68. Daniel Dae Kim
WTF?
69. Thomas Roberts
70. Kevin Zegers
Higher!!! Definitely higher!
71. Cristiano Ronaldo
Higher!
72. Wilson Cruz
73. Alexandre Despatie
74. Timothy Olyphant
75. Jake Shears
76. Matt Damon
Thank goodness it's him and not Ben.
77. Jay Hernandez
78. John Krasinski
79. Ewan McGregor
80. Enrique Iglesias
He's still hot! Higher!!
81. B.D. Wong
82. Adrian Pasdar
83. Peter Sarsgaard
84. John Amaechi
85. Jesse Bradford
86. Peter Paige
87. Jesse L. Martin
88. Brady Quinn
89. Billy Campbell
90. Jeremy Bloom
91. Ben Browder
92. George Clooney
Ew. Why is he in the list?
93. Tom Ford
94. Cillian Murphy
95. Sufjan Stevens
96. Darryl Stephens
97. James Purefoy
98. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
99. Seth Green
100. Zach Braff

I may have to take up on Jane's suggestion and come up with my own list.

Dating A Brother of A Friend?

I did not mean to invite Justin. I seriously thought I was asking him if he would be catching The Simpsons. Which of course, I should have asked - Are you going to watch The Simpsons? Oh wait! I did ask this. But Justin responded and one thing led to another, and he could not go, but he was polite enough to thank me for the invitation?

Wait! Invitation? I did? So, by now, his sister should have known that I invited him. His sister's best friend would know too. And now, I would be a laughing stock, because although I knew his sister for a longer time period, I did not ask her, but I asked her cute brother. Oh brother!

There, I Am Done

So, after the torturing hours of working on the blog, the hours of surfing the net for new blog templates, and hours of trying and testing, it hit on my that I could just choose the simplest template from blogger and work head and foot images and get what I want.

And I did - after only an hour. That makes me a pretty dumb guy for trying too hard in the wrong places for too many wasting hours.

So, am I happy? Nope. I only wish I could change the title font to reddish red. That's me. Someone who's totally in love with striking colour. : ) But not as much as I love what is hiding behind this striking colour... hmmm...

Mistake, Mistake, Mistake

And after all my hard work trying to modify a blog template using the super cool, super hot, super yummy Mike Phelps as the background, I just realized that I made a blunder. Oh well. At least I can use this super hot picture as my wallpaper.

Harry Potter And The One Whole Day Reading

I did wish Ron would die, leaving Hermione in the hands of Harry Potter. Let's face it. If he is not blessed to be gay, he might as well have the prettiest girl as his girlfriend. And I did wish that Harry Potter would not die. Neither would Hermione. And guess what, one of my wishes did not come true.

Lined up for my book at 6.40am, and I was already customer no.40. To fend talkative people who would blab out the spoiler, I blasted my MP3 out loud - letting Rihanna and her eh eh ella ella Umbrella to drown the voices around. No problem even at the cashier when I could pick up my order at Borders. And then, queued up for my free breakfast at Starbucks. And then, I saw it - this young girl, who sat down on an empty chair, already reading, like others in Starbucks. But she was starting with the last pages instead of the first chapter. I scrambled. Breakfast or no breakfast, I was not about to let anyone tell me the ending.

I did not avoid internet and switching on tv for nothing.

Skipped lunch and dinner and did my reading from 8 am and completed at 1030pm. Phew!

Kinda sad when Dobby died. Kinda felt bad for Fred. Why did they say that only 2 died? I had counted - there were more than 5. And the intense fightings and chasings throughout the whole book were fantastic.

Sure, HP was older now. Naughtier. Sexier. Oh wait! I was more thinking of Daniel Radcliffe. But still, naughtier and sexier. And godfather? Hmm.. I liked the fact that the author brought back a number of characters - Oliver Wood, Percy, Headless Nick, Dobby (Sob! I love you, Dobby!), Kreacher and more. Tying up loose ends, as well as making the characters gentler - Dudley and Kreacher. Liked my exact idea that Snape was good, and had acted on Dumbledore's order.

Still, now that this ends, my life can return back to normal. Which is basically back to surfing the net, drooling over cute guys, printing photos and more reading. : )

A Sucker For A Good Time

The one reason I like Axcest more than Fridae. Check this out. These are the guys, kind enough, and more importantly, cute enough, to send me their love points. And cute enough is all that matters. : )

Whether they exist or not, it matters not. It matters more than I so enjoy looking at them in my Axcest log-in. : ) Aren't they gorgeous?

New Home

Okay. I realized that writing a blog without touching, feeling, showing off men is boring. So, this is my new blog site where I would do my utmost to parade, publish hot men, and nothing but hot men.

I have lost so many valuable days of not sharing men in my hard dick.. I mean, hard disk.

So, welcome to my new home.