I Feel Lousy

I feel lousy now. And I hate it that I am feeling lousy in the evening, because this means another restless night. It would be a night when my mind would do the endless, restless, mindless dialogs, where I would be arguing with myself that I am fine, and yet, I know I am not.

That the fact my ex went for his first sauna, among naked guys, with him being naked too, was supposed to mean nothing to me, even though he was not willing to be naked with me. That his willingness to go out and join other gay guys out there was okay, even though he was not like that when he was with me.

That I am not jealous.

That I am not frustrated.

That I am not upset.

That I am not confused.

That I don't feel low in self-esteem.

A Kiss Is Just A Kiss

Do friends kiss? Do ex just kiss?

So, if my ex and I shared a kiss early this morning, as early as 7.10am, was that kiss just a kiss? Or it means more??? : )

The Prince Is Married

So, I had a wonderful time at Nando's, eating my meal with my handsome prince - the one who swept me off my feet and make me wanna fall in love. So, I actually sat in the cinema with the handsome one, be dazzled in the passion of happiness, to breathe the air of the guy next to me, watching a movie about a rat who wants to be a chef, like me - a gay who wants to be living happily with a straight boy.

And of course, after the movie, I asked. And he answered.

The prince charming has a princess harming. : (

Bummer.

Stalker

If a stalker is cute, he is welcomed. Okay.. he may be psycho. But hey, he's cute. Somewhere along the line, the cuteness of a stalker, and I mean, a male stalker, is surely to rub off the shock and rudeness of the stalking. If he is adorable, cute, charming, gorgeous, good built and may I say cute again, he may as well as making the stalking an art. So, for a cute stalker, it is an

AWWWWW.......

But if the stalker is large, big tummy, bald, balding, ugly, or ugly, or ugly, that stalker is an

EWWWWWWW!

I have an ewwwwwwww. After several messages, I got my guts to contact him and to tell him that I am not interested. Fr'dae. Instead of a place for me to find my one true love, I become a old man, ugly man, fat man magnet. They keep writing me, and sending me hearts.

Knowing my luck, which I would say comes down to my Ted-ness, some people out there might think I might as well accept one of them as a lover. I need a cute stalker, and I need one quick!

You Are My Obsession

Okay. This is a broken record. Basically. I. Cannot. Stop. Thinking. Of. Him. So, when he did not show up today, I feel hopeless. I know I am hooked on him when I have to check on him by hand phone. I know I am obsessed when I have to repeat my call. I know I am doomed when I keep thinking of why he did not pick up the phone.

This sucks.

If I Shout, Would He Hear Me?

It has been 9 days since I first met him. And I could not get him out of my head. There was this bickering in my head hours ago, whether I should text him or not. And then, eventually I did find a good excuse to. And I was satisfied.

Well, I could be more satisfied if I did get a reply.

I know this is something that I would probably look back one day and laugh at how silly I have been. Well, I had better be laughing.

He Knows, But Does He Know?

Told him today that the reason for all the weird act for the past few secretive encounters were that because I had been ridiculed to bad rumors, including one that that involved me and cute guys. And to my delight, he did not react badly. Not that he reacted positively. And then, we continued talking and one thing led to another, he asked my reason for being a Buddhist. Told him about the heartbreak, and he asked me...

'So, what was the drama about?'

I said - You know, heartbreak.

He said.. 'Yeah..'

I said - Relationship.

And then he said, 'I know. Relationship. With a girl... Or a guy?'

Woh!



I told him that I was not comfortable to tell him yet. And then, minutes later, he told me that the fact I did not deny it, it was too obvious. I was like.. why didn't I realize that? But.. it was too late.

So now, he probably had already known. He probably had already known that I am gay.

But does he know that this gay have a thing for him?

Low, High, Low, High

Well, I saw him again. And he made me smiled again. He apologized. Phone was out of credit. Sorry that I could not sleep. And he wanted to give me a treat. And you know what? I am high again! ;p

The Shit Piles

Well, I deserved it, didn't I? Hardly could sleep properly this morning. A sleep at 2 am ended with me waking up at 3.30am. And then, when I could sleep again at 4.30am, I woke up at 8am. So, all in all, I did not have a good sleep. He did not take my calls. Has he found out? Perhaps it was pretty stupid of me to think that even without getting anything sexual from him, he would be glad to have the free lessons from me. Nope. Who would want to be near the gay man? He should at least have the decency to tell me if he was no longer interested.

Lusts Know No Boundaries

I got back from work at 6.10pm. Ate my dinner and crashed. What was unusual was that I would be at home normally by 5pm. But I did not. I had to let the heart run my decisions, and stayed to teach rid@to, all because I wanted to. So, instead of rushing back at 4.30pm, I stayed until 6pm. In what supposed to be a secluded room, others happened to walk past and saw that I did make time to dedicate extra hours to this one cute guy.

There - my cover was blown.

Only that this was the thing I wanted to be blown. : (

Oooh! Romantic!

Which gay-themed movie should you watch?

You should watch Trick!
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Sleeping With Fabulous Straight Guy

Which guy are you destined to have sex with?

Jude Law: you like them romantic and British with beauiful green eyes.
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I Know I Am In Deep Shit When...

One -
I call a girl bitch in a church, and I have, unfortunately, the full attention of the churchgoers at the time.

Two -
I am caught by the father of the naked guy I am peeping on.

Three -
The pilot asks if there is any mechanic on the plane through the announcement.

Four -
I am cornered by my credit card bills demanding total minimum payments which are triple of what my cash and savings in my banks summed up to be.

Five -
I cannot stop thinking of the new cute guy I just met last Wednesday. I cannot stop thinking of him. I cannot stop thinking of his face. I cannot stop thinking of his eyes. I cannot stop thinking of his hair. I cannot stop thinking of his arms. I cannot stop thinking of his body in his tight shirt. I cannot stop myself from checking his photos online every day. I cannot resist to call him, and make up excuses for the call. I cannot stop attempting to make excuses to see him, no matter how busy I'll be with my work. I cannot help but to run his photos on my computer again and again. I cannot help but to feel good when I hear his voice. I cannot help but to go crazy when I see his face. I cannot help but to google his name upon knowing him. I cannot help but to know his contact numbers and his emails as soon as I know him.

I am really in deep shit.