I Feel Lousy

I feel lousy now. And I hate it that I am feeling lousy in the evening, because this means another restless night. It would be a night when my mind would do the endless, restless, mindless dialogs, where I would be arguing with myself that I am fine, and yet, I know I am not.

That the fact my ex went for his first sauna, among naked guys, with him being naked too, was supposed to mean nothing to me, even though he was not willing to be naked with me. That his willingness to go out and join other gay guys out there was okay, even though he was not like that when he was with me.

That I am not jealous.

That I am not frustrated.

That I am not upset.

That I am not confused.

That I don't feel low in self-esteem.

A Kiss Is Just A Kiss

Do friends kiss? Do ex just kiss?

So, if my ex and I shared a kiss early this morning, as early as 7.10am, was that kiss just a kiss? Or it means more??? : )

The Prince Is Married

So, I had a wonderful time at Nando's, eating my meal with my handsome prince - the one who swept me off my feet and make me wanna fall in love. So, I actually sat in the cinema with the handsome one, be dazzled in the passion of happiness, to breathe the air of the guy next to me, watching a movie about a rat who wants to be a chef, like me - a gay who wants to be living happily with a straight boy.

And of course, after the movie, I asked. And he answered.

The prince charming has a princess harming. : (

Bummer.

Stalker

If a stalker is cute, he is welcomed. Okay.. he may be psycho. But hey, he's cute. Somewhere along the line, the cuteness of a stalker, and I mean, a male stalker, is surely to rub off the shock and rudeness of the stalking. If he is adorable, cute, charming, gorgeous, good built and may I say cute again, he may as well as making the stalking an art. So, for a cute stalker, it is an

AWWWWW.......

But if the stalker is large, big tummy, bald, balding, ugly, or ugly, or ugly, that stalker is an

EWWWWWWW!

I have an ewwwwwwww. After several messages, I got my guts to contact him and to tell him that I am not interested. Fr'dae. Instead of a place for me to find my one true love, I become a old man, ugly man, fat man magnet. They keep writing me, and sending me hearts.

Knowing my luck, which I would say comes down to my Ted-ness, some people out there might think I might as well accept one of them as a lover. I need a cute stalker, and I need one quick!

You Are My Obsession

Okay. This is a broken record. Basically. I. Cannot. Stop. Thinking. Of. Him. So, when he did not show up today, I feel hopeless. I know I am hooked on him when I have to check on him by hand phone. I know I am obsessed when I have to repeat my call. I know I am doomed when I keep thinking of why he did not pick up the phone.

This sucks.

If I Shout, Would He Hear Me?

It has been 9 days since I first met him. And I could not get him out of my head. There was this bickering in my head hours ago, whether I should text him or not. And then, eventually I did find a good excuse to. And I was satisfied.

Well, I could be more satisfied if I did get a reply.

I know this is something that I would probably look back one day and laugh at how silly I have been. Well, I had better be laughing.

He Knows, But Does He Know?

Told him today that the reason for all the weird act for the past few secretive encounters were that because I had been ridiculed to bad rumors, including one that that involved me and cute guys. And to my delight, he did not react badly. Not that he reacted positively. And then, we continued talking and one thing led to another, he asked my reason for being a Buddhist. Told him about the heartbreak, and he asked me...

'So, what was the drama about?'

I said - You know, heartbreak.

He said.. 'Yeah..'

I said - Relationship.

And then he said, 'I know. Relationship. With a girl... Or a guy?'

Woh!



I told him that I was not comfortable to tell him yet. And then, minutes later, he told me that the fact I did not deny it, it was too obvious. I was like.. why didn't I realize that? But.. it was too late.

So now, he probably had already known. He probably had already known that I am gay.

But does he know that this gay have a thing for him?